We have countless awards ceremonies which applaud the best of our beloved industry, but aside from the notorious Golden Raspberry Awards and the odd scathing review which target specific performances, nothing really wounds an actor's career enough for them to jack the craft in forever. Some of you will undoubtedly dream up some outcast who claims they have retired from the business but has been driven out by studios and critics in actuality, but I'm referring to the shoddy 'thespians' who have somehow still got screen credits in the pipeline and, in some cases, exhaustive filmographies when their talents definitely don't warrant the glitz and fame. The following is a brief selection of imminent has-beens who should be attempting another line of work and, in some cases, should have never made the transition from what they do best – cross-overs of any sort but particularly from music to film and vice-versa just never seem to work. Well… Streisand is an exception to the rule (even though I'm not a huge fan), but Cher and Beyonce? And as for 50 Cent and Eminem, someone must be having a private joke somewhere. Anyway, on with my pick of the most unpleasant cringe-worthy thespians… (one definitely has the capabilities to improve though which is the most frustrating thing!)
Vinnie Jones
Actors are frequently typecast but surely nobody plays exactly the same role as often as the ex-football nutjob. Somehow though the Welshman's extensive career (30+ films in 10 years) seemingly gallops on with no respite. Even the Yanks understand his hardman image these days; his violent soccerball career was legendary and he has even been banned from Virgin flights after causing a fight on the way to Tokyo, but we do not need to be constantly reminded of this sadistic personality with his dreadful on-screen characterisations. Examples of his monotone I'm-going-to-break-your-face attitude can be seen in X-Men: The Last Stand, his collaborations with Guy Ritchie, and The Condemned. His football guise is epitomised however with EuroTrip where he fuses his on the pitch persona into a hooligan character delightfully named Mad Maynard – what a must-see concoction of talent and charisma that appearance is. At least he is trying to play a character in the teen fodder flick though. Mean Machine on the other hand is basically a continuation of a rather mediocre professional career. The prison setting, a result of an assault conviction, simply makes him feel more at home. Go for a role with some substance, Vincent.
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
Well the jury is still awaiting Southland Tales evidence but the whispers are not exactly glowing for Richard Kelly's forthcoming film. Johnson's comedic ability was confirmed in his WWE wrestling career and sporadic appearances on Saturday Night Live but as we have seen numerous times before, instances of jesting and coolness in front of the camera do not always translate to a full feature. The Rock is someone on this list though who I actually want to succeed – he has natural talent but his track record so far isn't pretty reading. His double turn as The Scorpion King in The Mummy franchise was generally pitiable but kudos should go to him for actually attempting a role in that particular unoriginal mould. Unluckily however The Rundown and Walking Tall hardly set the world alight and as for Doom, well, as one reviewer stated at the time, "If you go to the box-office and ask for "Doom", that is exactly what you'll get!" Gridiron Gang is a step in the right direction however with a compelling portrayal and Southland Tales may be a constructive choice in hindsight. Hopefully for The Rock his next projects push the envelope in terms of both improving his aptitude and weight as a bankable star. Nevertheless, if he continues on his current trajectory he will rapidly transform into a Hulk 'has-been' Hogan figure if he isn't cautious. I remember eagerly anticipating The Scorpion King a few years ago and when I returned from the cinema one of my friends, who was incidentally just as excited as I was, asked, "Whoa, I didn't know The People's Champion could act?!" I replied with, "He can't." Optimistically though at the present time I hope he soon can.
Keira Knightley
This is a rather short entry as I'm certainly not an expert on the Londoner's career. I do know enough though and it's plain for everyone to see – she cannot act. She is as stiff and inexpressive as I have ever seen an actress and how she has the cheek to continue auditioning for roles is beyond me – Miss Knightley must have one hell of an agent. I haven't seen Atonement but Rich states in his review that director Joe Wright managed to squeeze a performance out of her but if indeed true, this is surely her only decent turn. Domino fans may beg to differ but nobody can escape the tawdriness of her Elizabeth Swann heroine in the Pirates trilogy. Phoniness oozes from her delivery and she always acts like a reality television show winner, only in the film because of strokes of luck. Hopefully her lucky run will soon dry out.
Aside: Also, and this is nothing to do with her acting, her skinny figure is nearly as bad as Winehouse's drug habit as an influence on young girls. Please get it sorted dear, it's not big or clever and it just brings your stock down even more if you gallivant around the world parading as a quasi-anorexic.
Paul Walker
The Fast and the Furious and its sequel, Into the Blue and She's All That. These are not exactly masterworks but then again Paul Walker isn't exactly a masterful thespian. Whereas the Van Dammes, Seagals, and Chans of this world receive offers for films based on their martial arts ability instead of their acting knack, Walker has no redeeming features. He is a prettyboy in an age when the audience doesn't need another with Pitt, Clooney, and Cruise still knocking around, let alone the countless newcomers. Orlando Bloom is the sort of person Walker wants to be. He may be named after a vacationer's paradise and he is an appalling actor but he has two huge franchises behind him – Walker has nothing to rescue him. Running Scared and Flags of Our Fathers are respectable but surely yet another Fast and Furious sequel (currently in pre-production) will cancel them out. Wake up Mr Walker and go and apply for a presenter's job at MTV or something.
I'm sure everyone has an opinion on who is truly god-awful on the silver screen – a friend of mine even detests the supremely likeable Owen Wilson! Is Orlando Bloom surpassed by the trees' acting in LOTR? Is Carmen Electra as wooden as the effect she is on-screen to create? By all means please reply to this post and air your views. Maybe we can boycott their films and drive these wastes of Hollywood skin out of the business. Lawyers, that was a joke, I don't want anyone to be unemployed – just do a job you're good at!
Thanks for reading, take care and be well,
Vinnie Jones
Actors are frequently typecast but surely nobody plays exactly the same role as often as the ex-football nutjob. Somehow though the Welshman's extensive career (30+ films in 10 years) seemingly gallops on with no respite. Even the Yanks understand his hardman image these days; his violent soccerball career was legendary and he has even been banned from Virgin flights after causing a fight on the way to Tokyo, but we do not need to be constantly reminded of this sadistic personality with his dreadful on-screen characterisations. Examples of his monotone I'm-going-to-break-your-face attitude can be seen in X-Men: The Last Stand, his collaborations with Guy Ritchie, and The Condemned. His football guise is epitomised however with EuroTrip where he fuses his on the pitch persona into a hooligan character delightfully named Mad Maynard – what a must-see concoction of talent and charisma that appearance is. At least he is trying to play a character in the teen fodder flick though. Mean Machine on the other hand is basically a continuation of a rather mediocre professional career. The prison setting, a result of an assault conviction, simply makes him feel more at home. Go for a role with some substance, Vincent.
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
Well the jury is still awaiting Southland Tales evidence but the whispers are not exactly glowing for Richard Kelly's forthcoming film. Johnson's comedic ability was confirmed in his WWE wrestling career and sporadic appearances on Saturday Night Live but as we have seen numerous times before, instances of jesting and coolness in front of the camera do not always translate to a full feature. The Rock is someone on this list though who I actually want to succeed – he has natural talent but his track record so far isn't pretty reading. His double turn as The Scorpion King in The Mummy franchise was generally pitiable but kudos should go to him for actually attempting a role in that particular unoriginal mould. Unluckily however The Rundown and Walking Tall hardly set the world alight and as for Doom, well, as one reviewer stated at the time, "If you go to the box-office and ask for "Doom", that is exactly what you'll get!" Gridiron Gang is a step in the right direction however with a compelling portrayal and Southland Tales may be a constructive choice in hindsight. Hopefully for The Rock his next projects push the envelope in terms of both improving his aptitude and weight as a bankable star. Nevertheless, if he continues on his current trajectory he will rapidly transform into a Hulk 'has-been' Hogan figure if he isn't cautious. I remember eagerly anticipating The Scorpion King a few years ago and when I returned from the cinema one of my friends, who was incidentally just as excited as I was, asked, "Whoa, I didn't know The People's Champion could act?!" I replied with, "He can't." Optimistically though at the present time I hope he soon can.
Keira Knightley
This is a rather short entry as I'm certainly not an expert on the Londoner's career. I do know enough though and it's plain for everyone to see – she cannot act. She is as stiff and inexpressive as I have ever seen an actress and how she has the cheek to continue auditioning for roles is beyond me – Miss Knightley must have one hell of an agent. I haven't seen Atonement but Rich states in his review that director Joe Wright managed to squeeze a performance out of her but if indeed true, this is surely her only decent turn. Domino fans may beg to differ but nobody can escape the tawdriness of her Elizabeth Swann heroine in the Pirates trilogy. Phoniness oozes from her delivery and she always acts like a reality television show winner, only in the film because of strokes of luck. Hopefully her lucky run will soon dry out.
Aside: Also, and this is nothing to do with her acting, her skinny figure is nearly as bad as Winehouse's drug habit as an influence on young girls. Please get it sorted dear, it's not big or clever and it just brings your stock down even more if you gallivant around the world parading as a quasi-anorexic.
Paul Walker
The Fast and the Furious and its sequel, Into the Blue and She's All That. These are not exactly masterworks but then again Paul Walker isn't exactly a masterful thespian. Whereas the Van Dammes, Seagals, and Chans of this world receive offers for films based on their martial arts ability instead of their acting knack, Walker has no redeeming features. He is a prettyboy in an age when the audience doesn't need another with Pitt, Clooney, and Cruise still knocking around, let alone the countless newcomers. Orlando Bloom is the sort of person Walker wants to be. He may be named after a vacationer's paradise and he is an appalling actor but he has two huge franchises behind him – Walker has nothing to rescue him. Running Scared and Flags of Our Fathers are respectable but surely yet another Fast and Furious sequel (currently in pre-production) will cancel them out. Wake up Mr Walker and go and apply for a presenter's job at MTV or something.
I'm sure everyone has an opinion on who is truly god-awful on the silver screen – a friend of mine even detests the supremely likeable Owen Wilson! Is Orlando Bloom surpassed by the trees' acting in LOTR? Is Carmen Electra as wooden as the effect she is on-screen to create? By all means please reply to this post and air your views. Maybe we can boycott their films and drive these wastes of Hollywood skin out of the business. Lawyers, that was a joke, I don't want anyone to be unemployed – just do a job you're good at!
Thanks for reading, take care and be well,
Joel
